The Green Witch Returns Home~ It is time to leave the Summer King.

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Thursday, July 22, 2010


so I have been away for a while trying to stay my mind to a happier place. I have found that when I sit down to blog I have nothing really good to say. Everyone at points in their life find that the easiest thing to do is blab on and on about all the not so desired situations they are wrapped in.
Someone I know very dear to me reminded me that what you put out there tends to navigate to you, that the universe does hear you and you often more times than not get exactly what your wanting if not immediately then eventually. With all that said I have not wanted to spill my ugly self in my ramblings of my blog home.
I have thought a-lot about all the things that are ugly and not so desirable in my life of lately and have decided that fuck ugly I want positive and desirable in my life. I have lived a lifetime of ugly for far to long. That I have to forgive the ugly and embrace the result of ugly and move on. We all know that embracing the result of ugly is often difficult and leaves us feeling less than satisfied. Finding peace and comfort in less that satisfied is a struggle we all wrestle with on a daily basis. Some of us wrestle that ugly until we are exhausted, giving into the exhaustion and repeating ugly over and over and over again. Never really growing and gaining control of the initial ugly.
I do not want to feel exhausted any more. I deserve to forgive myself, learn from ugly and move forward and that's exactly what I have finally after all these years decided to do. I can hold myself accountable for the past, but can not dwell on the why's, and the should haves.
I made a statement, more like a promise to myself many years ago and asked everyone who was still speaking to me to abide by my decision and not interfere. I have become very aware as of lately that with out ugly and the shames of ugly I would have never stayed the course. I know I embraced ugly because deep inside I did not believe I deserved
anything other than ugly. Ugly became and has been my constant companion because I felt by letting go and moving forward I would forget all the things I left behind and that striving for happy was out of my reach because I didn't deserve to be happy and that no amount of happy I could possible feel could take away all the hurt, lies and deceit I had caused not only myself but many other people I loved and cared about. My ugly hurt so many people, changed so many lives and still on a daily basis manages to rape my heart .
The above paragraph is profound to me because for as long as I can remember since the beginning of this ugly in my life I have tried to understand exactly why I punished myself. RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT I REALIZED THAT THE HARDEST THING IN LIFE IS LEARNING TO FORGIVE ONES SELF. Gaining control over the uncontrollable is a contradiction but it is essentially what I have been trying to do and could not. I need not try to control ugly but change how I let ugly control me.
Distance and time I have been told make a world of difference in how one processes events in their life. I find that ugly does not mean anything less to me today than when it showed its beastly head in my life all those years ago.What has changed is that I no longer believe I am unworthy of WHO I HAVE BECOME . In the face of ugly I have stood and the demons that have haunted me are no longer my shadow. The face looking back at me in the mirror is not hung with shame. I am sure it will shed more tears, but for the most part I recognize myself and I like who I see.

I hope everyone is having a terrific summer. I wanna see photos of vacations, beauty pageants and read about adventures in on line dating.
Fall is right around the corner and I have to admit I am looking forward to the cooler weather and the colors of the season.....My camera and I have some catching up to do.


    Kudos Kudos Kudos....woot to the Woot ...Tee Hee I just flashed you!

    ~Your Bran Muffin....cuz I know I make you Shit!

  2. Well its about time! But so worth the wait. Welcome home, Teek! We've missed you.

  3. hey I have been muffin flashed!! peek-a-boo!!!
    Thanks B for your unconditional love AND your ability to look past alllllllll my faults and just see me at my core.

  4. It has been a while Jacob.... But as you know we girls can't stay away for to long. Great to be back and i await your adventures in online dating

  5. Welcome Back~ as I sit here commenting on this post I don't know whether I should or not? How many times have you read one of my blogs and wanted to say something, but didn't?

    I've wrote and deleted and wrote and deleted.

    Twenty minutes have passed now and I still am not sure what I should do? I feel in my heart that old wombs do not heal themselves, but that is not my bridge to cross. I'm glad, truly am glad that you have forgiven yourself. You have four beautiful children and an amazing husband who has stood by you and loved you unconditionally.

    I'm going to leave this comment and let you know that while we were in Dayton, I bought a stone with the word forgive on it. I cannot let anger and bitterness live inside of me any longer. It has made me an UGLY person at times -and I so choose not be to UGLY, but to let the Sunshine in.

    Blessings to you:)

  6. I most definitely am happy. I have a-lot to be happy about and am eternally great-full for the road that I walked to get here. It took me a long time to arrive at my destination, testament that I am ready for the next destination, may it come what will....

    Onreeone~ I do read your blogs and not comment, I understand completely the hesitation. Where did you get your rock? and where are the photos of the pageant? And who's womb needs healed? I know mine is so damn thankful to not be having any babies that if it could it would kiss me :)

    ~Muffin, we have not seen a goal as to how many muffins you are wanting to shed.

    ~Jacob~ I am in need of a weekly description of your on line endeavors. A faithful blog every Thursday complete with one song that sums it up. We will have to guess by the song what kind of chicks your dating/ communicating with.....
    Barb~!!! who never comments but will read...I am putting to the universe it is time sister

    p.s~ I fucking love your guts Brandie!! Thanks for the light at the end of the tunnel.

  7. Originally I wanted to keep my comments simple and in sister speak...You have my heart and always my full support Terry Kay!!
    So what I really wanted to say since it appears we are opening our flood gates of Philosophical intimacies....
    Carol Anne....Fuck Off!
    Barb...Time for What? a Pilgrimage to Muffin Mecca?....Jacobs Coming In August! There could be a Muffin Louming Blog in the Future! (He's really coming to drop off the Goat...we Share Custody, its my Weekend!)
    Terry about your Womb....its Menstrual Cramps...Us Girls who kept our Uterus we have to deal monthly with that shit...Take a fucking Midol and Get back to Work....
    Angie, as nice as is has been to get to know you and see glimpses of the Kids lives...and do be assured it is appreciated..sometimes No Answer is the Best Answer...Her Heart~You Know That crazy emotional Organ we need to breath life...That Houses All her Love... has had the Foundation Cracked~ it cracked early in the building process and No Doubt the load baring wall at times Strains...But cracked is all that it is...The Love is still there...Some of us see and are grateful for the sacrifices others have made....Indeed my dear....look at your Beautiful Children...Now look at an old war tattered Veteran, or not so Old and tattered Veteran like Your Husband...Oh I do remember waiting with anticipation for your Mark, once ours, to return from the Mediterranean Sea after a 6 month stay away from us..."HIS FAMILY". We would wait for the small tapes mailed back and forth between Us and Our Sailor Boys! We were Blue Navy Blueand we would record our letters on those tapes so we could hear each others voices, rather then read each others words....LOL at me sending Tracey my Underwear! Choices we made with the best intentions may not seem the same now...who knows...So now when looking at Broken Hearts, War Torn Soldiers and Battered Houses...We realize that They "All" have been through the same battle...Just a different war...and each are No Worse for their wear! Thanks for all that you do, please Give Mark ALL my love as well as appreciation for his service to our country and to his family of which you are now a part of!
    Jacob...You said Buy Sprite right??


  8. Son of a Bitch- I wasn't signed in and just lost my whole damn comment. Anyway, about the comment's. I don't want to feel hesitant about commenting on your posts as I wish you didn't either. The past cannot be changed but we can move forward today.
    I bought the stone and my first Book of Shadows, plus a few other things at the House of Ravenwood in Yellow Springs. And thank you for writing that post for me- it did make my heart smile. This journey is taking me to places I knew I had in me, but had never embraced. As far as the pictures go, I had a friend take them for me so that I could enjoy the pageant and she has been oober busy with work and hasn't had time to get them to me. I'm like dying to see them and the video we bought.
    Im going to go along with Brandie on the womb comment. I seriously laughed my ass off when I read that. She just has a way with words. I have nothing but respect for her as she is a good old bird, and you know she always has your back. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is hard to come by and that is indeed one of the reasons I hold her in such high regards. I feel I have grown a lot thru our communication. I try to put myself in someone elses shoes and remember that everything happens for a reason. I am embracing the future and moving forward, but doing it one day at a time.
    I indeed cannot wait for fall and some cooler weather. The humidity is unbearable right now and there has been no breeze. Sitting around the fire having a few drinks with family and friends is my kind of party. I would like to actually make it back over in that direction during the fall, as I'm sure it is even more beautiful than it is now. Hope you have a great weekend! Keep writing~ Angie~