so I have been away for a while trying to stay my mind to a happier place. I have found that when I sit down to blog I have nothing really good to say. Everyone at points in their life find that the easiest thing to do is blab on and on about all the not so desired situations they are wrapped in.
Someone I know very dear to me reminded me that what you put out there tends to navigate to you, that the universe does hear you and you often more times than not get exactly what your wanting if not immediately then eventually. With all that said I have not wanted to spill my ugly self in my ramblings of my blog home.
I have thought a-lot about all the things that are ugly and not so desirable in my life of lately and have decided that fuck ugly I want positive and desirable in my life. I have lived a lifetime of ugly for far to long. That I have to forgive the ugly and embrace the result of ugly and move on. We all know that embracing the result of ugly is often difficult and leaves us feeling less than satisfied. Finding peace and comfort in less that satisfied is a struggle we all wrestle with on a daily basis. Some of us wrestle that ugly until we are exhausted, giving into the exhaustion and repeating ugly over and over and over again. Never really growing and gaining control of the initial ugly.
I do not want to feel exhausted any more. I deserve to forgive myself, learn from ugly and move forward and that's exactly what I have finally after all these years decided to do. I can hold myself accountable for the past, but can not dwell on the why's, and the should haves.
I made a statement, more like a promise to myself many years ago and asked everyone who was still speaking to me to abide by my decision and not interfere. I have become very aware as of lately that with out ugly and the shames of ugly I would have never stayed the course. I know I embraced ugly because deep inside I did not believe I deserved anything other than ugly. Ugly became and has been my constant companion because I felt by letting go and moving forward I would forget all the things I left behind and that striving for happy was out of my reach because I didn't deserve to be happy and that no amount of happy I could possible feel could take away all the hurt, lies and deceit I had caused not only myself but many other people I loved and cared about. My ugly hurt so many people, changed so many lives and still on a daily basis manages to rape my heart .
The above paragraph is profound to me because for as long as I can remember since the beginning of this ugly in my life I have tried to understand exactly why I punished myself. RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT I REALIZED THAT THE HARDEST THING IN LIFE IS LEARNING TO FORGIVE ONES SELF. Gaining control over the uncontrollable is a contradiction but it is essentially what I have been trying to do and could not. I need not try to control ugly but change how I let ugly control me.
Distance and time I have been told make a world of difference in how one processes events in their life. I find that ugly does not mean anything less to me today than when it showed its beastly head in my life all those years ago.What has changed is that I no longer believe I am unworthy of WHO I HAVE BECOME . In the face of ugly I have stood and the demons that have haunted me are no longer my shadow. The face looking back at me in the mirror is not hung with shame. I am sure it will shed more tears, but for the most part I recognize myself and I like who I see.
I hope everyone is having a terrific summer. I wanna see photos of vacations, beauty pageants and read about adventures in on line dating.
Fall is right around the corner and I have to admit I am looking forward to the cooler weather and the colors of the season.....My camera and I have some catching up to do.