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Monday, August 9, 2010

Things Long Forgotten

I came across an old box today
Brought tears and smiles my way
I opened it thinking I might just throw
it all away.....

Letters from a love long past... Postmarked from 1986-1995. All neatly wrapped with the lace I wore around my neck to prom in 1988. photos of individuals who look like strangers but familiar in my brain...... I am not sure why I have kept them as We have not been together since 1995... Reading the damn things gave me a migraine from crying. Crying for all the memories that were good..... and gone, buried far away....replaced with memories that were bad, that over shadow the good that can never be taking away... Why is it so hard to forgive, Why are we creatures of hate? Why Are we so inclined to forgo forgiveness? Why is the hardest part of forgiveness, the ability to forgive ones self ?
I often think of what I would say if I had the courage. Would the words even come out like they play in my brain? Probably not, I tell my self why worry about it anyway, you will never have the opportunity. I know I tell myself that for fear of rejection. I do not believe myself a coward, I believe myself still deeply ashamed, and horrible scared. Fear of the unknown keeps us from doing so many things.
I am hoping I have with in this destiny a path yet to walk, one that is understanding and forgiving and forged with compassion. Compassion for the human nature of mistakes and lessons learned and humble in its ability to be see the truth for what it is. I may never know for my fear is real, the one true demon per say that I battle every day. I believe we are our own worst criticizer, that our demon will sit with us until we cease to exist.
Even after all this time, all the tears and for all the reaching being done, my ability to take the first step may never happen. For I have yet to learn how to properly balance the darkness of my past, with the light of my future. Maybe, just maybe one day this too shall pass...WHO KNOWS
What I do know right this moment is broken hearts do mend, SLOWLY and we all seek what you know because it is comfortable and EVERY LOVE IS MEASURED/JUDGED BY YOUR FIRST LOVE~ WE/ THEY are all alike we just choose to see or not see the similarities, unless those similarities suit our purpose.

He looks the same today just a wiser, older~ with his beautiful, witty wife and amazingly talented and beautiful children all 5 of them. I was surprised to look at pictures just today and still see that mischievous smile and sparkle in his eye. It was great to see that smile... ( No I am not stalking my ex. ) Just his Fab Wife.. Cause I secretly wish I had her glasses :)
Fab wife ~thanks so much for being the bigger person and reaching out when I didn't,.... gimme those glasses already

~ I kept the box and its content,
Tucked it back in the closet for another day~


  1. I wish I knew why we can never completely let go of the people in our past. In a way, they remain a part of us, making us who we are because of the experiences we share, both good and bad. Some days, I wish I never met some of them... and yet, I know that I would be a completely different person if I hadn't. In some ways, I think I would be alright with that. But the fact is, nothing can change what has happened. Only the way we feel about it when we think back now.

  2. Its amazing to me, how emotions can lay dormant for so many years and then like a great flood over flow into your thoughts like a fresh wound.
    I, like you find that the scars that remain are bitter reminders of lessons still to be learned.

  3. okay you--sorry but you can't have my glasses cause well, I'm blind as a bat and wouldn't be able to see shit if I gave them to you.

    As far as the rest of your post goes. Well, I don't know what the right words are here. Except-Let it go Terry, he did a long time ago. Sometimes as I have been told the best thing to say is nothing. But sometimes a simple I'm sorry can do wonders. and Well...thats where I fall short on words I guess. Why hold on to those things of the past? Do they help you in this journey or inhibit you of your full potential as a human being?

    Thanks for posting this. It made me appreciate my husband a little more. After all these years we've been together I am the one who cannot let go--but it's for very different reasons. I have done what I can do-I reached out and well, you know what happend at first. I don't hold on to any of it because there really is no point and no positivity in those emotions in which I felt at that time. In fact, I blamed myself for feeling anything at all. As I was also told by a very wise one, "No one can make us feel anything that we do not allow within ourselves." I am thankful I learned that a long time ago and hold onto it. I know "my truth" and the life I have lived has not been a lie, but very rewarding. If we didn't make mistakes we would not grow-and damn...for not having the words I sure can talk smile and throw those damn letters away,burn them and let go of him once and for all. Less of course you need to hang on to those memories for whatever your reason's are. Then by all means take them out and read them everyday if you will. No Regrets- only lesson's learned.

  4. Keep those Treasures...or Give them to me. They are your life story in many ways...and the Beautiful Seven will treasure them...Nine if you put them all in a room...Ten if I'm lucky enough to be there too!


  5. An Award awaits you at my blog...Come get it!

  6. Thank you and I see a recipe for friendship bread toooo!!